Welcome to the twenty first century

I was caught in the throes of a busy day at work when - all of a sudden - my internet connection went down. I started getting error messages pinging up at me on my screen.

Outlook couldn't connect anymore.
There were errors accessing the internet pages I needed.
My chat windows signed out.

Suddenly, it felt like armageddon. There was a moment of paralysed panic when I felt like I'd been cut off from the world forever. And then a honking car jarred me out of my reverie, and I remembered all I had to do was leave the apartment, to get grounded again. All it took was a bit of perspective.

So I rebooted my laptop, which is my answer to any form of technical adversity I'm plagued with. I swear to gawd, even if my microwave stopped working my first thought would be to reboot my laptop. Nothing. Shut down, restart, and still, no internet.

I looked at the wireless router. The only thing I know about the router is that if the light is green, it's working properly. If the light is any other colour, I need to call Metro in panic. So the light was green. But still no internet.

I have to say, my iPhone saved the day. If I didn't have internet on my phone, I don't know what I would do. Such is the interconnectedness of all my machines, and such is my total dependence on them. Anyways, a bit of nifty fat-fingering on the keypad, and I had the TimeWarnerCable customer services number shining up at me.

All I needed really, was for a sympathetic TWC helpdesk person at the other end of the phone to listen to my lamentations. I didn't really think anyone would be able to help. But a sympathetic ear always makes life so much better, doesn't it?

So you can imagine my immense frustration, when I got directed to a machine. What? What could I have done wrong? I had made it clear in every possible option (if this is urgent, press 1) that this was an internet emergency which had driven me to emotional instability. How could they possibly have forwarded me to the TW "Virtual Assistant"?!!

I was about to slam down the phone, when something made me pause. Maybe it was the brusque efficiency of the recorded voice. It was shouting out all sorts of commands in a manner of urgency that could only match my own.

Go check if my modem was plugged into the power socket. ("Yes", I said into the phone, half suspicious the machine wouldnt' understand my accent).

Go check if the modem was plugged into the router. ("Yes", I answered again, not sure if it had understood my previous answer).

How many lights on the modem were steady on. How many lights were blinking? Press the internet reset button on the top right corner. Now how many lights were blinking?

I realised that she (the Virtual Assistant), in giving me a series of actions, had helped me feel like I was dealing with the problem constructively. Even if nothing resulted from this, I was actually doing something about it. Actually trying to help myself, rather than just indulging in self pity. And in the end - I rather suspect through the inevitable fluke of hitting all possible buttons in various combinations and permutations - we got it working again. Me and the VA.

"Great! Sounds like you're online and set to go!" she said in a cheery voice.
Overcome with relief and gratitude, I wanted to reach through the phone and give her a hug. Seriously. To a machine. No kidding. Now this is frickin scarier than iRobot.

Instead, I said "thank you! Thank you! You saved my life!"
But she had already hung up.

If I'd had a real person at other end, maybe they'd at least have stayed on the line long enough to say "you're welcome". Then on the other hand, I'm not convinced they'd have actually solved the internet connection problem.

But I don't have time to think about that too much. I have other things to mull over. Like the fact that I'd wanted to hug a robot.