Doobie and I were sitting in Starbucks this evening, trying to kill an hour while we waited for our movie to start.
"Doobie," I whined, "I'm tired of being single."
"Me too."
"Why don't we ever find guys? Every one else seems to."
"I don't know. What are we doing wrong?!"
"Let's try and figure it out, and come up with a plan."
So we started our self-improvement list - thirteen steps to finding a guy:
1. Learn to laugh like tinkling bells.
2. Get only "un-attached" guys.
3. Stop constantly making jokes in our heads.
4. Identify (and develop) the "Ilajna Factor"**.
5. Never admit we hang out at Keats every weekend. It's just not cool.
6. Don't judge guys based on how articulate they are. If a guy says "Explain me..." instead of "explain to me...", that should not necessarily disqualify him (although it should come pretty damn close)
7. Discover (and display) our hidden shy selves. They must be there somewhere inside.
8. Refer back to point 1. Always refer back to point 1.
9. Don't presume to understand guys. Because we don't. Ask guy friends for the male perspective.
10. Realize that our guy friends have failed us WRT introducing other single guys. Make new guy friends.
11. Stop laughing. Get over the fact that our situation is not funny. And if we must laugh, then at least make it like tinkling bells.
12. Learn to attract the guys we like. Or learn to like the guys we attract.
13. Do not go out to a restaurant and eat significantly more than the guy. It is not funny, it's just scary. And eat in small, dainty bites. Don't gobble like we do when we're home.
** The "Ilajna Factor" explained:
- Develop grace and elegance. Or atleast a minimal amount of poise.
- Spy on Ilajna when she talks to other guys. Make notes. Cross-reference with each other. Do not get competitive.
- Don't make smart-alec comments. They are not as witty as we think. Do not lead the conversation to the "High Five" moment, instead steer it towards the "Eyelash-Batting" moment.
It's absolutely foolproof. We both now just can't wait to put it into action.
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25 comments:
Tacky.
How long have you been single? I'm pretty sure that to have the right perosn and a balanced relationship with love, trust and commitment, you shouldn't have this 13-point behavior. Avigdor.
Harsh comments... totally deserved. Do you think before you blog?
I don't think your laugh needs to sound like tinkling bells. I mean, laughing's great, and all, but I think I would actually be quite freaked out if some girl started ringing, telephone-style, whenever I said something the least bit funny. So yeah, laughs are the least of a girl's problems.
I don't get it... what's the big deal? What am I missing here?
dear confused-- i think what you are missing is common decency. Just like our dear blogger.
How long have you been single for anyway? A month at most?
So, I'm coming back to weigh in a bit more. (I complained about the tinkling bells comment). Complaining about a lack of common decency? That's a little harsh. I think our fair blogger is simply trying to come up with a witty list about how to best attract a guy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think she/he was wholly successful. I'll give it a play-by-play.
3) Stop constantly making jokes in our heads.
What does that mean? I mean, how is that going to affect whether a guy likes you or not? If anything, making jokes in your head will make you tinkling laugh or whatnot, which is apparently what you were looking for in numbers 1 & 8 (see comment 4 for my feeling on the laughing comment).
6) Don't judge guys based on how articulate they are...
I mean, I don't have a lot to go on here, just a couple of blog entries, but I think grammatical perfection is a little too much to ask of anyone. People slip. They misuse tense. They *gasp* misspell words whilst they IM (as cogently noted by you in another post). And, I bet if I read a little bit further (but I'm too lazy/bored), I may actually find some grammatical issues with some of your blog entries. Not a reason to dump a guy.
7. Discover (and display) our hidden shy selves...
Um. What? Really? What? Do you think you're actually going to get any guys being shy? Why would they come up to you? It's not witty, clever, interesting, or true, so a big X on this item.
9. Ask guy friends for the male perspective.
Well, that's probably a good idea. Luckily, I'm here to help you out. No compsenation needed.
13. Do not go out to a restaurant and eat significantly more than the guy. It is not funny, it's just scary. And eat in small, dainty bites. Don't gobble like we do when we're home.
Well, this is a good idea. I mean, I don't think it's good material for this list, because it's a little too personal. If this is really a problem, it is worth getting into. But witty? No, just kind of sad.
Other notes:
Grace & elegance -- good.
Smart aleck comments -- good.
Competitiveness between women -- very, very good.
Good night, and good luck.
anonymous at 2:30 PM-- you clearly don't know the blogger or her circumstances. If you did, you would know why the post demonstrates a lack of decency. I bet the blogger knows exactly why.
Genx-
You are correct, I know neither the blogger nor her circumstances. All I know is that she has a weird (sweet or childish?) fascination with seahorses. And chroncling such fascination with reckless abandon. Getting to know any acts outside the borders which would demonstrate a lack of decency is simply beyond my purview.
Which is fine by me. I'll use my imagination.
-anonymous @ 2:30p
Anonymous @ 2:30p-- you are correct. I merely wanted to point out that the decency comment was not, I believe, a reaction to the blog itself. That would have been taking it too far, I agree.
You're all being totally unfair. Clearly this blog was a not-so-subtle attempt to tell certain people in the blogger's life that she is completely over "it" and ready to move on. It's a thinly veiled "fuck you". To that end, I think it has accomplished its purpose perfectly (of course, if that was NOT the blogger's intent, boy has she screwed up).
I cannot stand such insensible affronts.
Onyourside, despite your protestations to the contrary, my interpretation is not nearly as strained as yours. On a quick read of the entry, the casual reader would not infer any sort of animus toward any previous boytoys. In fact, a casual reader would assume that she DOESN'T have any previous boyfriends, simply because she seems so uninitiated into the world of courtship. How you can so brazenly assert that this entry is a "thinly veiled 'fuck you'" is beyond me.
Maybe you're the infamous Ilajna. Instead of making excuses for the bloggerette, take her under your wing. Based on the entry, she could probably use the help. I mean, if she's so focused on the outward trappings of intimacy (as her checklist suggests), without considering the real reasons any past relationship failed, she's going to need, at least, a shoulder to cry on when the next guy breaks up with her.
Anonymous @ 230p (and other times, apparently)
anon at 2:30-- perhaps I am not a casual reader.
Hmm, not quite sure what to say.
To your points on tackiness, common decency and veiled "f-you's", I'm afraid I have to beg to differ.
I assume you are Caveboy's friends, and I'm really impressed by your fierce loyalty.
But if any of you know me at all, you will know that my blog is no reflection of what I truly feel, and is really just a point for me to be whimsical and humourous. It is superficial and pertains little direct relevance to the meaningful happenings in my life, and that is how I intend it to be.
So maybe you find it funny, maybe you don't. Perhaps I shouldn't expect others to find it funny if they weren't present to understand the context of the conversation.
I thought about deleting the comments, because the bitterness seems totally misguided.
But that just wouldn't be fair.
Dear Ms. McPipe,
As an observer who has been following the chain of comments closely, I find the need to express some of my musings in the last 24 hours. I thought to myself that perhaps your only real avenue of response would be to write a "what is a blog anyway" type comment, and I'm happy to see that I was correct (happy because it makes me feel good about my powers of foresight). Nonetheless, I think this raises a very interesting issue: to what extent does a blogger have an obligation to his or her readers? In the truly anonymous case, where the reader does not know the blogger, the reader has still developed a relationship of sorts with the blogger's web persona. In those cases it is still possible for a reader to feel betrayed; however, the reader can choose to express his disatisfaction and simply move on. Your case, unfortunately, appears to be different. It is clear that your readers are primarily friends, family, acquaintances. I would never say that you have an obligation to make them happy and say what they want to hear-- the blog, after all, is really about you and what you need to express. However, when a blogger posts, whimsically or otherwise, she must be cognizant of the repercussions of that post and be willing to accept them, which includes acceptance of the fact that the blogger may hurt those close to her and perhaps create undesirable situations. At that point, is it really enough to say, well I didn't mean it? Just think how difficult the world would be if that kind of statement were deemed enough to absolve one of guilt in any situation...
Although perhaps you have accepted the repercussions, Ms. McPipe, by choosing not to delete the comments. Whether or not you did this to save face, since it would look worse to delete them, who knows, but nonetheless it takes courage to leave them where they are and I laud you for that.
Ultimately, my impression of the anger expressed in numerous comments is that these people feel, for whatever reason that your blog post reflects a lack of sensitivity and a certain degree of callousness. I think the attacking nature of some of the comments was perhaps an effort to make you understand why the post has been, and should be, viewed in that way. No one will ever dispute anyone's right to say whatever they damned well please, and clearly you agree with this, since you have not deleted the comments. But there are consequences, and in this case the consequences are that there are people out there, and people who perhaps you know very well and you consider your friends, who think less of you. Perhaps there are larger consequences, pertaining to this so-called Caveboy, who in your mind is the focal point of this irate string of comments. I believe (or, rather, I need to believe) that everyone gets back from the universe exactly what they put out there. I know this is not always the case, but it seems to apply here. So, dear genxes, disappointeds, and anonymouses of the world, know that you have said your piece and that it has been heard (even if not listened to). Sit back and let the universe do its "whimsical" magic.
Appreciated, and true. Both from the perspective of freedom of speech, and the fact that I should take responsibility for the repercussions.
My intention was never to hurt anyone, and I admit I hadn't thought that through sensibly. And now it seems too far down the road to delete everything dogmatically, just cos I don't like the responses.
Although, in my defence, I'd still maintain that I don't feel like my point was understood at all.
My questions would be:
a) Should I (or the writer in general I suppose) be censored on the blog by the possibility that someone might be hurt? I would never be deliberately hurtful, that would never be my intention.
But - taking this example specifically - for how long am I not even allowed to joke about anything related to guys for example? Even as a joke? When, if ever, will it not be deemed 'insensitive'?
b) If anyone finds this offensive enough that I should take it down, definitely let me know. I'd be happy to - my intention was never to create rancor.
~FMP
Is it my imagination, or does everyone seem to be losing perspective.
I thought the post was funny not offensive.
And no I'm not a 'casual reader' either.
The post is thoughtless and inconsiderate, considering the blogger's situation. If it had been under different circumstances, it would have been funny. But the fact that she didn't 'think through it' or care about the impact it would have, speakes volumes about the kind of person she is - uncaring, selfish and callous.
Are you KIDDING me??! What IS this situation?! This is so disproportionate even I'm losing the plot now.
Oh, my! I'm at a loss for words! I (as a female reader who does not know the blogger or her "situation") thought it was hysterical funny. I also thought the blogger was making fun (and doing so without malice) of herself and her friends and their ability (or lack of) to attract a guy that they might want to spend more than 1 hour with.
I say, lighten up.
Please please please, Anobserver, do you have a blog anywhere? If not please start one. Please. In particular i would be interested to learn more about:
1. Your amazing powers of foresight.
2. Your revolutionary new theory: "what goes around, comes around"
Look forward to reading it - I know you'll be cognizant of any potential repercussions (lol)
Sigh.
What IS this world coming to.
:)
~FMP
AT least i'm not the only reader who thinks this is funny. I'm kind of unashamed to admit that I've had this convo with girlfriends a guzillion times (the eye batting, sweet talking, laughing like tinkling bells thingy).........and from what I noticed, people DON'T get offended......or maybe they were too nice to say so?
nah. the conversation is not offensive at all. i think there's something else going on here that those of us who aren't friends with ficali don't know about... looks like she royally dumped some guy a few weeks ago and people think it's too early to be airing this stuff. that's my impression.
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