Mixed feelings

On the downside, speaking to Milo Minderbinder, Vash and Inihtar today made me realise again what I'd been trying to forget - how sometimes life has a way of firing the worst of mishaps at you. Just on those days when things are going all wrong anyway and you're feeling a bit vulnerable and can't really find a security blanket to reach out for. Just when you really, really need things to go right. The unfairness of it just gets to me.

On the upside, JC's finally back from his Gulliver travels, and we got a chance to speak for a long time. There was so much to catch up on, I wanted to know about everything he'd seen and done. And I wanted to talk about all the things that have happened in my life during the past two weeks, even the inconsequential things. Especially the inconsequential things.

Boy. Living apart can be hard work. Sometimes, it feels like facing each other from opposite sides of a ravine. And each story, each anecdote, each gesture, each moment of connection is a step towards each other. Inch by inch, bridging the gap. Which can be hard work, but is just so worth it. Speaking to him again filled me with hope and happiness and a brimming-bursting-heart sort of feeling. And made me realise why I've been looking forward to my trip down to Germany so much.

But as I was trying to examine how I felt this evening, I couldn't quite put my finger on the mixed feelings. Great as it was to speak to JC again, I realised that my happiness was somewhat shadowed and dappled by my friends being distressed. I couldn't find it in me to be guiltlessly happy, not when my friends were troubled or upset.

Kams had once said to me, a couple of months ago, "I feel guilty to be happy when my best friend is going through a hard time," and I'd psha'd her comment dismissively. But now, restless and troubled and worried as I am, I know just what she meant. It's not guilt exactly. It's just that happiness doesn't have the same sparkle when your friends can't share it with you.